Brendan Craig doesn’t believe in last names. Morally, that is–he knows they exist. He is a licensed “pleasure craft” operator, making him fully qualified to craft pleasure in every Canadian province and territory (except Quebec). Once a wizened old fortune teller revealed the day he was going to die, but not the date, so now he has to spend every Wednesday hiding under the porch. While he does play the

theremin, this affinity for disturbing Soviet-era electromagnetic music doesn’t reflect Communist sympathies–it’s strictly for the ladies. He does, however, have Communist sympathies. Brendan independently invented lacrosse and was disappointed to discover someone had come up with it first. As Senator, he is deeply committed to three-piece suits, gin, and yelling “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Sometimes he has a beard.